Updated: Sep 20, 2019
“ The path isn’t a straight line; it’s a spiral. You continually come back to things you thought you understood and see deeper truths.” Unknown
These past few days, as the time is coming closer, I found myself going through in my head the tripping to come. Endlessly. And I realised I was trying to go back to my old comfort zone within my mind. The old way of feeling calm and safe.Trying to understand everything before experiencing it and looking for all and any information to calm my mind. To CONTROL THE UNCONTROLLABLE. I know, I heard it too. An oxymoron. It’s like a description for the way the perfectionist in me dealt with the majority of my life. And that is what life is, whether we want to accept it or not. UNCONTROLLABLE. As is this experience I am about to embark on in a few days.
I kept reading all and every information I could find and asking people in my life about their experiences, or experiences of people they happen to know. To create an expectation, to narrate a story yet untold. To get a handle on how it will all unfold so I can say, YES, this is how it shall be. I feel safe now.
Going on a digging expedition just to hear another story of someone doing what I am about to do and ending up getting so paranoid that they LITERALLY pulled their own eyes from their head and are now, blind. Boy, aren’t I glad I asked. Feel so much better about it all now. Well played, Suvi. Well played.
This was a story of a person tripping with friends, left alone after everyone else went home and finding himself amongst passers by who did not know him or what was going on. They just saw him being high and decided to play a trick on him. Putting horrible thoughts in his mind until he eventually snapped and was taken to the emergency because he was so paranoid of dying. Taken under a psych hold for his own safety then and there. But he managed to hurt himself during anyway, that left him damaged for life.
After hearing this story I had a moment of horror, thinking what the hell was I doing. Voluntarily putting myself into a situation that ended up like this to someone else. Doubting Tanya started having a field day in my brain. What are you, a bloody idiot?!?!?
Until I DECIDED to stop spiralling, and pulled myself back then and there. Realising how silly I was being. It’s like listening to other mums birthing stories and getting worked up before ever having one of your own. Even if the experience is the same it never will truly be that, because it’s happening to YOU. I reminded myself I need to trust, not just life but my own process and way of doing things. My own judgement. This happened to him due to the fact that he had background in his family with schizophrenia, he put himself in a situation that was not safe. And I am doing things differently. With sense of my own limits, my own boundaries and taking a calculated risk. And that already eliminates out what happened with him. So instead of trying to do what I always did, control the uncontrollable, I took a deep breath and decided to trust. I am doing this my way, in a safe and calculated way. Not jumping into it eyes closed. I am jumping into it eyes wide open. Embracing the unknown.
This made me think of countless conversations I have had with clients. Conversations about healing and growth. Our own evolution. People (I did too when I was younger and until I had worked through all this for myself) seem to think healing is a road, a straight road where the end destination is a space where we are healed. Evolved into perfection. Where we don’t feel hurt or encounter difficulties we once did, or our old way of thinking anymore. And If we do, we have failed in our personal process to mend and be better. BULLSHIT.
The reality could not be further from the truth. What I have learned and what I keep teaching to clients is that that kind of perception is not only extremely misguided but also detrimental for the exact thing you are working on, your personal healing. You are kicking yourself for something that you should not and you are crumbling the foundation of self worth and self loving you are building.
I would never EVER tell my clients (or to myself for that matter) that I am healed and that I am immune to things you are not. If I did or if any coach or healer ever tells you that, RUN! That means they have missed the KEY aspect of healing and human evolution. And they should not be giving you advice.
Healing is a spiral, not a straight road. We heal but there are always deeper layers to our healing. That we can only reach in steps, through continual healing on the old, tender areas. The day you think you are done you are either delusional or dead. Or this is what I believe to be true. For me healing means that when I am faced with a moment where I find myself being hurt or sad, encountering a moment where I before would have gone and started a destructive pattern to deal with that feeling. I now am AWARE of the feeling and what I used to do. Aware and I can stop. Stop and take a different approach. I am able to use a new way I have taught myself to deal with the feeling. A healthy and constructive way. And that allows me to observe it to a deeper level. Find new layers to heal and improve within myself. Dig a little deeper.
Having healed is about KNOWING, it’s about AWARENESS and ability to DEAL with them in a DIFFERENT WAY. Accept them, not judge them. Observe and take in the information In a healthier way. It does not mean having become like teflon. That things stop affecting you. That they roll off you like droplets of water, not absorbing at all. Instead healing comes in waves, we keep floating back to those places when winds change. When something happens. And that is how it should be.
So stop kicking yourself for healing multiple times in the same place. It’s as it should be. You are doing what you should be. Be proud of that.
So that is what I did, walking the talk. Getting into a moment of OLDNESS but choosing to deal with it in a NEW way. Breath and allow. Trust life and trust myself. As I jump into a deeper layer of my own healing.
Keep spiralling my loves, it’s good for the soul :-)