Updated: Sep 1, 2020
Having been, identifying being the "good girl" and prioritising keeping everyone else happy for majority of my life, this is what I have learned. Internalising your anger and aggression,2 basic human emotions, eventually leads to no good. If anger and agressions are not expressed, they will be internalised and turn your body toxic on a cellular level. In my case it led to eating disorders and becoming the best at acting happy when I was crying inside. Saying "its ok" when someone treated me poorly and heading home to eat and throw up to, or not eat at all to let the anger from not speaking up IN. Running away from my anger until my feet hurt and I could barely breath. Until I was so exhausted I couldn't feel anything anymore. Almost 2 decades of being a good girl left its emotional and physical marks. And slowly as I was healing I understood being a good girl to the world is being the worst kind of girl to myself. I still struggle with speaking my mind sometimes if it risks hurting someone elses feelings, floating the boat. But its getting easier. I write my anger out, I talk it out with freinds, I work out until I feel softer and lighter, not until I am ready to throw up anymore. I put the music on when I am home on my own, move my body and shake it all out. I've learned to stand up for things that matter and tell people when I feel I've been disrespected or someone I care about has been mistreated. And I am proud of that. Being who I am and thinking what I choose to think without apologies. I am still a gentle soul, still not enjoying conflict and loud arguments. Still not feeling comfortable showing my strength and ruffling the feathers. But occasionally I will. And I will never be one of those people who will throw dishes, be tempted to punch people or stomp my feet and yell to the night. Because I am me. And I would never want to be anyone else. But I no longer hurt myself. I no longer internalise anger and dissapointment. I am rekindling the love affair with my physicality and my softenss. And my world looks brighter now. I feel brighter now. I feel strong and comfortable with the person I am today. Avoiding conflict and the inability to express your anger is dangerous, mentally and physically. It internalises negativity into toxicity and starts an internal war within you. We all feel negative emotions and get upset. It’s called being a human. You just need to learn to be ok with it and find healthy ways to let it all go. Remember, you can be a good person even when you express yourself, but will slowly turn toxic if you don’t.