Updated: Sep 17, 2020
The song “ Two beds and a coffee machine” by Savage Garden has been playing in my head for the longest time now and for some reason, every time I heard it I had a nagging feeling that I need to say something related to that here. I kept putting it off but these feelings of needing to share rarely go away for me until I let the words come out, type down what is on my mind, so I thought I needed to sit down and start writing...
" And she takes another step,
Slowly she opens the door,
Check that he is sleeping,
Pick up all the broken glass,
And furniture on the floor,
Been up half the night screaming,
Now it's time to get away,
Pack up the kids in the car,
Another bruise to try and hide,
Another alibi to write,
Another lonely highway,
In the black of night,
Another ditch in the road,
You keep moving,
Another stop sign,
You keep moving on,
And the years go by so fast,
Wonder how I ever made it through…."
Two Beds and a Coffee Machine, Savage Garden
I sincerely hope the feeling that kept bugging me to post this has nothing to do with the fact that you reading this are currently struggling with these incredibly painful things in your life...or maybe this message was meant for you. If you are not, I hope something stems inside of you after listening to the song and reading these words. Hope it is something that if you ever find yourself inside the feelings of hopelessness in your relationship, for whatever reason, will give you the strength to realise that you deserve more than what you are getting, so much more. Or at the least serves as a gentle reminder of respecting yourself and requiring more from people around you if needed. Or gives you the inspiration to detox toxic souls from your life.
Being loved, respected and cherished by the people you love is never something you have to earn by being or looking a certain way. You should be loved, just because. For your light but most importantly for your darkness.
There is no excuse in the world which justifies another person to raise their hand towards you, hurt you physically...or cut you emotionally with hateful words that make you feel small and like you are not worthy of respectful, caring and unconditional love. That thought is what begins to derail it all, when we lose ourself, self love and begin to think love in relationship is earned, not freely given. Because it’s not. We all are worthy of it. Just because.
You will never hear me utter the words “I know how you feel” to someone suffering inside an abusive relationship, living inside the feelings of guilt and shame that are not their shame to carry to begin with…for one simple reason. I am not you, with your reasons to be where you are. I have not lived through your past or your past experiences. Furthermore, I have been lucky enough not to have ever been in a situation where I would have been afraid of the person who claims to love me. Terrified of the person who should be my greatest ally and supporter in life, not the worst enemy and I hope and pray I never will.
But no matter how much I am saying never ever, most of the time life is not for us to plan, sometimes things happen that we never thought would and we find ourselves in situations we said we never would be in. So if I one day will wake up to the realisation that I myself am inside a destructive relationship, I hope I will remember my own words and find the courage to say NO, I deserve better. As we all do. Remember and be brave enough to walk away.
Like I said, I personally never experienced abuse in this sense from anyone, but have seen way too many sad stories in my professional life as a counsellor and a social worker in a crisis center and seen it happen to people close to me, the destruction abuse creates (mental, emotional or physical..or a mix of all three) between a couple. It's heartbreaking.
From the outside perspective it seems like it would be easy to leave and often we hear people say “Why is she/he taking that, why does she/he just walk away and start over? What is wrong with him/her??”. People often don't truly stop to think, step outside of the happy bubble they themselves exist in and that's why it’s hard for them to try and understand that there are a lot of invisible reasons why. E.g. financial dependency, children, hope that things are going to get better, love (no matter how fucked up that may sound), defeat, fear, self-esteem stripped by the abuser, psychological mind games…the reasons are endless. And much like people spiralling in the midst of various addictions, things that make our life often seem miserable to outsiders, keeps us feeling in control somehow. We are feeling safe because this is what we know. This is where we are comfortable. And when we are in the middle of the darkness, even an obvious way out is hard to see. Impossible most of the time. We feel defeated, we have made ourselves be the victim, we keep telling ourselves (or our partner has) a story of victimhood. And changing that inner dialogue playing endlessly in our minds is hard. Incredibly hard. But not impossible.
Even if we are fucking miserable, it is our unhappiness that makes us feel safe and comforted, because it is what we know. Moving away from that is often scarier than the unhappy reality we live in. The unknown is full of uncertainties and even if it might lead to a more happier existences, the first step to rip ourselves to another direction is often too petrifying for us. That is why we need people around us to support us without judgement, carry us, be our self-esteem and self-love when we are all out of it ourselves. Ask questions and open the door of communication. We need people who genuinely want us to be safe and happy. No one can force a person to leave a bad situation, but when the day hopefully comes, they will know they are not alone.
"...And there are children to think of,
Baby's asleep in the back seat,
Wonder how they'll ever make it,
Through this living nightmare,
But the mind is an amazing thing,
Full of candy dreams and new toys,
And another cheap hotel,
Two beds and a coffee machine
But there are groceries to buy,
- Two beds and a Coffee Machine by Savage Garden
If you are in a more or less bad situation in your relationship and it involves children...and you are staying for the sake of them. Think again. When studying my BA in social science my thesis was all about divorce, how it affects children when dealt with in different ways. I researched how children view divorce, the psychological effects later in life to the child if parents stayed together in a bad marriage or alternatively decided to get divorced when the child was still young. Different ways on how parents should handle the divorce so the damage to the child would be as minor as possible, how to explain it to the child and so on.
Children see and hear things adults often think they don't and children have a funny way of making it seem like whatever happens in the family or between the parents, regardless if it involves them or not to be their “fault” and that it is their responsibility to “fix it”. Depending on the age of the child and the severity of the problems in the family, there can be psychological problems that develop for the child as they are growing up. Problems that stem from what is going on within the family or between the parents. Unfortunately I have seen too many examples of this when working with teens and children. Little humans coming from situations mentioned earlier and do not wish it upon anyone.
I think of the relationship between the parents as the true “home” for the child. If it' s loving, safe and caring...all is well, but if there is abuse of any kind...well, you can imagine what the child feels as they are growing up, how scared and confused they are. The very foundations of their base security, who they are and will become are shaken to their very core. Also the way parents relate to each other as partners is from where children learn how to relate to their partners in the future, how a relationship should look like. How you should treat your loved ones…so seeing destructive relationship between parents will often harm their future relationships, make it harder to make things work as they grow up. Not just with others but with themselves.
Based on what we discover from the research and multiple interviews with adults that had experienced divorce as a child or grew up in a family struggling with abuse. If dealt with mindfully, divorce always seemed to be the better option in the long run for the child. Better than to be brought up inside an unstable or passive aggressive war zone. Saying,”we are staying together because of the children”,never was a statement that had any truth in it for me.
So, please, if you are living in a relationship that you deep inside your heart know is not healthy and you have done your best to fix things and make it better. No matter if you are a parent or not…don' t let another moment pass you by. Life is too short to be unhappy or let anyone treat you like you do not matter. You are deserving of love. And there are people in this world that want to give you that love. Be strong, speak up, let people help you. You are not alone♥
I interviewed a beautiful soul, Veronika Larisova on The Elephant In The Room podcast about her incredibly raw and difficult journey and survival through narcissistic abuse. She shared her story with so much grace, strength and compassion it brought me to tears. I found it so incredibly empowering and I think you would do. Have a listen and I hope it gives you hope.
Listen either from @hunaworks Linktree in bio
or from below link on Spotify
With Love and Aloha,
Founder of Hunaworks
Global Intuitive Deep Transformation and Psychedelic Integration Coach, Inspirational Speaker, Modern Medicine Woman, Writer & Podcaster.
www.hunaworks.com / @hunaworks / @elephantintheroompodcast