Updated: Sep 20, 2019
Yesterday I made a plan for today. The plan was ( I am a lover of lists after lists..🤷🏼♀️) a list 2 pages long of all the little and big things I was suppose to achieve today. I kind of knew I was pushing it but setting overly high expectations to myself is what I do when I forget to pay attention. Forget that less is sometimes more.
I woke up in the morning feeling a little meh...but started crossing things of the list anyway. Not with excitement but as I was working against what my mind and body needed. What I needed today. Normally I would just push through because giving up on my “ MASTER PLAN” would not be an option. Ever. No matter how little I truly felt like following it. No matter how much I felt I needed to do something else.
Not finishing what I intended would have been seen as failure, major disappointment for a highly functioning perfectionist. I would have failed at what my perfect day off was suppose to look like. And coping with being less than I intended...never been particularly excelled in that.
Mainly because failure to follow through for me has always meant failure as a person. I wasn’t good enough. I shall kick myself for letting myself listen to what I truly needed. How dare I do that. I internalised doing or not doing into my being. Not the best approach but all I knew at the time.
Funny how realising ( took me decades to get this) that not doing something I intended or “failing” when doing so has nothing to do with my value as a person took me so long. And how that changed everything for me. 💡
Understanding that letting go of plans and self made expectations is sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself. Trying to be something all the time that is pushing me to my limits. Not honouring what my mind, body and spirit truly needed was so damaging to all aspects of me. I need more gentleness and honouring my true self. Not waste my every day polishing the perfect shell of a woman I chose to portray to the world as to myself. Because dealing with being imperfect was too confronting. Letting the world see it, absolutely devastating.
Letting go of all that and accepting the beauty of my imperfections has been so liberating. No, not just that, but fucking beautiful and empowering! Caring less and loving myself more. Being more gentle, loving and less demanding of yourself and dropping those heavy masks is the best thing you can do. For you❤️
We get nothing done if we just sit and procrastinate every time we feel like it ( personally I feel like that most of the time 😁🙋🏼♀️). So no, I am not saying that. Sometimes we need to push through even if we do not feel like it. Push through our comfort and grind, to grow, and evolve in life. To reach our dreams and ambitions.
All I am saying is sometimes it’s good to just be. And be ok with just being. Not hate talk yourself into not enjoying your not doing moments. Enjoy them. Fully. And begin again tomorrow.
Today was one of those...”naah...not today days” for me. And am loving it. Finally.
And who would be better company in idle not doing moments than Ellen😁😁😁Relatable...you need to check that out🙋🏼♀️.
So weather you are doing or not doing today. Do it with your whole heart❤️.